Talking about our beautiful children

Our days at home used to sound something like this:

Iza please don’t throw the cushions on the floor Iza don’t climb the window Iza leave it on the table No no noooooo ok baby can you stand aside so I can clean up the mess? Thank you (one look over the shoulder while cleaning) Iza no no nooo not there!!!!

When Mr. O came home, I’d throw a tantrum, give myself a time out and hide in the bedroom or bath tub to cry incessantly until Mr. O would tell me gently, it’s safe to come out Monster has gone to sleep.

Every morning I’d wake up thinking “Did I sleep last night?” followed by a quick calculation of all the times we all woke up. Any time I got a number close to 4 hours (of sleep) I’d thank God. Sadly, it wasn’t often that we got four hours of sleep.

I (according to me) suffered two near nervous breakdowns before I finally admitted to myself there is something that has to change! I began with changing pediatricians. The new doctor spent 15 minutes with us before turning to me and saying “Mommy, this girl is ruling you! You have to tell her who’s boss.”

Thus started the quest for How to manage my hi-need child; I left no related book unturned in the library, I pestered every mom who hinted they had high need children as well until I gathered a group of moms just as exhausted as me and one who said “I can help!”

Tuesday night we all sat together and started picking on Michelle’s brain and experience with her now 5 year old twins.

Here is a gist of everything that we talked about:

Why is there a baby stuck on my leg! And why is she calling me Mom?

All our babies were/are breastfed and therefore we as mothers are the one person they are super attached to. For nursing mothers to create a secure attachment with someone else (ahem…dads), Michelle suggested to plan activities outside the home where the child is engaged in active play with the father. Make sure it happens during the time they will not require nursing (usually at least a good two hour break) and the activity must happen outside of familiar surroundings where mom usually nurses. HOME reminds the kid that they would rather nurse than play; when outside with the dad, make sure they have a lot of fun so that the kid associates security, fun and enjoyment with the dad as well.

Look at me! Look at me! Look at me!

Apparently the attention hogging behavior does reduce as the kids grow, but does not disappear entirely. Michelle suggested that this will be a personality trait as they grow up.
To train the attention hogger on how to engage themselves in play, set up a timer for 5 minutes and tell them “play with your new toy for five minutes and I’ll be in the other room and when the timer goes off, I will come back to get you.” Get them a special toy or activity that will engage them for those five minutes and then leave the room. If they stay alone and play for those 5 minutes without you, reward them with treats (or hugs and kisses, hi-need kids are very tactile and love being snuggled). Make sure that the surroundings and toddler-proof and safe for them to stay alone in that room without supervision.

Mr. No-No:

It’s a universally known fact….that spirited children’s “no” is very different from your average child’s denial. Iza still throws a sidewalk groveling tantrum even if I’ve just asked her to not run back into the store we’ve just left.

A friend of ours, Cynthia, introduced me to the world of empowering the toddler. Things have been much better though mentally exhausting when I’m literally speaking in either/or language. The first time I tried giving Monster a close-ended question in which she had to pick one or the other choice offered I was tongue tied. “Oh my GOD!,” I was screaming in my head. “How hard can coming up with a dual-choice question be?” I cursed the day I graduated college and decided if I can’t wing this, I need to go back to school.

Eventually though, like all things in parenthood do, it got easier. Like I said, I talk to Monster in constant questions. “Do you want to play with the blocks or do you want to pee?” “Do you want to walk and hold hands or do you want me to carry you?” “Do you want to cry or do you want us to go night-night?” “Do you want to eat or do you want to go pee first?”

I ask her if she needs to pee a lot.

Luckily I rarely hear a “no” anymore. Unless I’m tired and forget to give her a choice and instead just tell her to do something (oh my God just for this one time, don’t make me talk!)

Michelle confirmed all these strategies plus the importance of setting boundaries and routines. She stressed that for high-need children, routines are worth their weight in gold. They need to know what to expect, be prepared for the future and with routines they will be a time when they will automatically understand that bath time will be followed by bed time.

Even for trips to the doctor, (or impending vacations and oh.my.Lord. airplane trips) Michelle suggested utilizing role playing and pretend playing to get them used to what will happen in fact at the actual event.

(Today a friend, her preschooler and we played pretend airplane etiquette and we discovered that if nothing else works, pull out the big guns aka Caillou on a portable DVD player. It worked so well that I wished I WAS Caillou.)

We chatted about other issues as well, such as eating battles and sleep-wars. We will have to meet again to discuss these issues at more detail. From this one meeting, we got a lot of information and a lot of encouragement. Like Michelle candidly reminded us “it COULD be worse!” this is really something mothers—not just mothers of hi-need children—but really all parents need to remember when waking up for the 5,000th time in a night, or picking up crushed cereal from the carpet you just vacuumed.

All kids are precious and regardless of their varying habits and behavioral patterns, they do ultimately depend on us as parents to take care of them. We are their first lesson in trust and friendship. What they learn from us, they will utilize their entire life.

This is a great responsibility….let’s not screw this up! *lolz*

When Toddlers' need R.E.S.P.E.C.T

The time my midwife handed me my baby wrapped in towels for her very first introduction to her mommy’s milk, I thought “this is going to be a breeze!”

The next morning, I was in tears. I was up all night with my ribs feeling like they were caving in and by morning, I was no longer fitting in the one blouse I had brought with me. I spent the day trying to figure out positions that were comfortable for both Monster AND me to breastfeed. The lactation nurses kept telling me “newborn hold” “football hold” and “don’t lie down!” until I almost gave up.

Ironically, it was at home and with my sister’s help that we were able to latch successfully, when she told me to lie down on one side, let Monster get comfortable with me while laying skin-to-skin with me. Monster fussed around for only a few seconds before latching on without any help and sucked me dry! The last time I had been that happy was before my back labor had started.

It bothered me why the lactation nurses didn’t tell me to hold my baby skin-on-skin. I was confused why all the positions they forced on me had me hold Monster as if she was an inanimate object. What I took from their brief sessions of “help” was that all I need to worry about is the shape of the tongue and “stuff your nipple in when she yawns!”

My sister taught me to just lay down with the little baby in bed, “let her become friends with the milk” were her actual words, something that still makes me chuckle, but it worked. Her words never fail to help us, even 2 years into motherhood.

Now as a toddler, Monster has become a picky eater eating only bland white rice and picking food from the floor where she threw it herself 15 minutes ago. (Incidentally, that has resulted in my floors being kept sanitized every day since I know she’s going to be eating food off them.) I saw the same behavior in my sister’s daughters and accepted it as being an inherited trait. I went to her home once, worrying about how little Monster was eating and seeing her kids eat their food opened my eyes to what was going on with my own child.

Rida and Amal, my nieces both eat on their own. My sister plops down a small portion of food in the kitchen table and leaves them both to their means. There I am, watching in amazement at the 4 year old and the 3 year old dig in, leave to wander around the house and my sister taking the opportunity to refill their plates just as they come back and dig in again.

A light bulb goes off on my head and I put another plate next to them and get floored as I see my very own Monster climb up and spoon the food into her mouth! Of course, that also started off a cute exchange of food as the 3 year old and my Monster began to feed each other and giggle happily.
We have since then stopped trying to “feed” Monster. We make foods available, accessibly and then give her space to eat at her own pace. It just never occurred to me till I saw my nieces that there will be a stage when kids will want to do everything on their own. Be it eat, potty, or play. Just like she won’t let me stay in the bathroom anymore while she pees, or runs away from me if I follow her on the jungle gym, now I know she’s asking for space to try things on her own in more areas.

I have accepted the changes as best as I can without letting it bother me. I still follow her every move on the jungle gym and am there when she gets too close to an unenclosed edge and I let her chose her own mismatched clothes (usually pink) when we are getting ready and I’m letting her decide which part of the egg she eats and which she stows away for later.

It is a constant struggle just like every part of parenthood is. What has changed is that her eating habits (or lack thereof) don’t bother me anymore. I don’t get frustrated with her if she throws her pasta around. I don’t cry when she wastes a plate of bulger and I just laugh when I see her push pieces of meatballs inside the storage bin.

I merely go ahead post a note on Facebook for laughs, reminding me to empty the said bin of leftovers before bedtime.

This post is part of the 2010 API Principles of Parenting blog carnival, a series of monthly parenting blog carnivals, hosted by API Speaks. Learn more about attachment parenting by visiting the API website.

Fast approaching the Terrifying Two!

I'm not afraid anymore, I've been terrorized by this monster far too long to give into her deliberately aggravating behavior.

I'm standing up to you, you little terrorist! If you want to pee in the living room, you got it! Go ahead. I'm armed with my BioKleen and ready for any amount of disaster you leave in your wake. Go ahead, I encourage you.


If it gets too much, as five hours later it seems to be getting, you're getting this, a potty-chair slash bench that we can keep in the living room without surrendering all my aesthetics. Thank you Cynthia, for the idea. It was at my friend's house that I saw this potty-bench.

For the next few days, let's talk about potty training or how to graduate from Elimination Communication...hopefully before our trip to Turkey in a month.



Tips, suggestions and links are welcome in the comment box.

Why Monster and I are taking a break

For the last few weeks I was feeling increasingly tired. Add to that Monster's everyday spunk, accidents, tantrums and demands and there was a very fatigued, depressed and stressed out mother in the house.

I reached the end of my nerve one Friday night while having a heart to heart with the Mr. O: while relating my day and how I was feeling, my pitch got higher and weirder till I noticed a glint of fear in Mr. O's eyes. I took a deep breathe, tried to relax and went to bed very early hoping for a refreshing sleep.

After 10 hours of uninterrupted sleep (thank you Mr. O), I woke up sadly, just as tired as I was the night before. Still, the show must go on and while the family too slept in, I went out for an early load of laundry. Alone in the laundromat, I began noticing the fatigue from just bending over the washing cart, and from just folding one table cloth. "This cannot be normal, even if I am close to AF, this is NOT normal!"

I did some research and decided to try out supplements. Now, I'm not a huge fan of vitamin pills, so if I am desperate enough to take one, that alone says something about how bad it got for me. At GNC on Queens Boulevard and 47th street, I got to chatting with the rep and she hooked me up with a bottle of Big 50 Vitamin B Complex, with the instructions to start with one pill a day unless I don't feel any different and then to increase to 2-a day.

I have been a much happier mama, much more patient and with enough energy for my toddler. Of course, now I want all my readers to take a look into their diet and remember to stay well nourished. I don't mind being a little dependent on vitamin supplements (until summer when I can find more vegetables in farmers' markets), to be a good mother to my child.

The fog has lifted and I'm catching up with spending quality time with my daughter instead of plopping her in front of tv and collapsing in tears.

Hugs for all the children, and for stressed out moms everywhere.

Monster's Books: Everywhere Babies

Everywhere Babies by Susan Meyers and Marla Frazee

We borrowed this book from our local library and Monster was truly in love with it. She loved pointing out the babies as they go about their day. She kisses them and exclaims out the pictures of things and animals she recognizes.

We loved this one because of the very cute pictures of different baby carriers in the "Everyday and Everywhere, babies are carried" part. (As I am looking through the book just now, Monster came over cooing, 'babies babies' and has taken the book from my hands).

Among strollers and carseats, there are several instances of parents carrying their little ones in slings and on their backs. This is wonderful for Monster to see and she points out the babies in the carriers each time.

I'll keep adding more children's books with Baby wearing instances in the same post and the link to this post will be made available on the sidebar. Come back soon to find more books that include Attachment Parenting and babywearing.

Baby's Perspective

Ever wondered what do Babies see from the bucket stroller?

Watch till the end to see what Babies see when they're worn on a moma's back! *Love!*